My wife and I both had sleepless nights last night – but fortunately, not at the same time. When one of us was awake, the other slept soundly… for a bit, anyway. Penny still can’t remember what was keeping her awake, but my brain was riding the Express Train Of Thought like a roller-coaster, revisiting many of the more difficult times in my life and comparing them to life right now.
On the whole, life in Vallarta is hard to find fault with — we live in a beautiful apartment, even if we could use a few more feet of storage room, more kitchen counter space, and enough room between toilet and sink to bend over for better sanitary purposes.
We are 3 blocks from the waterfront… our neighbors are lovely and some have become genuine friends. Our rent is considerably less than our former mortgage (at the current exchange rate), and the only utility we have to pay is electricity.
Grocery prices here are, for the most part, 1/2-2/3 of what they currently are where we used to live in Seattle. So, with all these blessings ever-present, why am I waking in the middle of the night processing sadness, reflecting on previous failures?
Well – with these blessings, there is also a current-day shift in my artistic life that looks to not be resolving itself for at least 2-4 weeks yet; some non-threatening but inconvenient financial issues to handle; some family dynamics I was not anticipating; and the always, on-going adventure of Alzheimer’s care….for which there really is no “resolution” coming – just continuous change until the adventure ends.
Perhaps those issues all existing on one plate simultaneously are enough to warrant sleepless stress…..???
My Express Train Of Thought ride last night took me on a tour of many life-altering moments where decisions had to be made, situations had to be dealt with with me as the PIC – which ensured that whatever decision I made was gonna piss somebody off, as well as moments when it became clear I was going to have to give up something I cared about deeply to move forward.
I’m not a fan of letting go of things/people I care for — I’m not fond of situations out of my control… Although the older I get, the easier it seems to be to release my grip on a situation when needs must.
Before I could get back to sleep last night, I had to acknowledge that in hindsight I can see the Collateral Beauty in every difficult moment I’ve lived through – and I am currently able to see so much Collateral Beauty in my/our current situation . . . and if I can see that, surely I must be getting better at dealing with challenging situations, even if I’m unable to ward off all of the emotions that come with them.
I can’t solve everything in MY own time – everything will be handled in ITS own time, beyond my control.
Walking down to get my hot chocolate this morning, my Angels walked me by some views of the repairs on the Malecon. There were some beautiful stretches of fully restored bulkhead within sight of piles of rubble and cluttered mess, all of which reminded me: “Before ANYTHING can be repaired or restored, things must get messier before they get better. It’s just the process.”
Message received. I’ve always said, “The lessons are always all around you, you just have to look.”
And with that message, another reality – specifically for me, it seemed – was also made clear: Some things cannot actually “resolve”… they can only continue to change until they end – and we need to find Peace with that being the hand we were dealt. It may not be the way we wanted things to be, but the alternatives – the ONLY actual alternatives – are fighting what is and losing (because that will be the inevitable result) or just not being here.
And there are just too many things on the “Reasons To Be Here” list to chuck it all away…. Breathe. Remember. Embrace the Gratitude. Keep moving.
