Yesterday, I finally accomplished something I’ve been wanting to accomplish for many years: I watched all three LORD OF THE RINGS movies in succession on the same day. It was, indeed, wonderful to experience the entire story in one sitting – but it’s also the first time I’ve seen the films in a while, and I was hit with some unexpected insights.
Opinions about the deeper meanings in the story vary – I think most folks see it as a tale about Good vs. Evil.
I’ve always thought of it – even from when I read the books in my early 20s – as a story about the power of Love in Friendships. I find it a story about loyalty and service to others. From the first time I saw the films, as each was released, I marveled at the relationship between Frodo and Sam. That bond is so awesome to see!
Their love and dedication are unparalleled, in my opinion – this sort of thing is often seen in passionate love stories, but I know of no other tale where this intense dedication exists between platonic friends.
Self-centered human that I am, I used to wish I had a Sam. My own Sam. Someone who was that devoted to me – supporting my every need through my professional adventures. It didn’t dawn on me until watching again last night that I’ve had one for the past 23 years… My wife, Penny.
Since I had this epic story in my head as a “non-romantical” tale, I wasn’t looking at her in that capacity. She’s the love of my life. But she has been right there, as my trusted friend, supporting me, cheering me, comforting me, defending me, etc., more and more every year since we got together.
But last night, it became clear that in recent years, that dynamic has changed. With the onset of her Alzheimer’s, the roles have reversed. It became so clear in rewatching these films that I have now very much got a relationship that resembles Frodo and Sam – only I have become Sam.
Absolutely unintentionally – but that’s what has happened.
I don’t want to speak for anyone else’s adventure with Alzheimer’s, just ours. But when looked at in a certain light, dealing with the weights and issues that come with this disease, it’s very much as though Penny has been handed a burden she wasn’t expecting to have to carry, and she must make a journey that gets increasingly challenging over time in order to release the burden. The difference is that when she finally gets to Mount Doom and drops her Ring into the fire, her earthly life must end.
The “release” of the Ring is metaphorically the release of living. That’s the grip this disease has on her brain. There will not be eagles sweeping in through the air to airlift us off the burning mountain. She will gain freedom from what’s controlling her – and for that I will be grateful – but our in-person association will end.
Parallels were ever-present in this recent viewing. Just as the Ring affects the mood and temper of Frodo, Alz can affect how Penny hears and sees things. Her judgment can be affected temporarily, as when Frodo chooses to believe Gollum’s false perspective and not Sam’s clearer truth. As the Ring pulls Frodo closer to it’s goal of Mordor, so does Alz pull Penn away from the world she knew (her Shire) into unknown worlds that are foreign to her – introducing her to creatures and beings and mental environments she’s unfamiliar with.
And there I am – devotedly rationing the Elvish bread, providing optimism, offering guidance with as much support as possible, keeping an eye on any unforeseen dangers, assuring her I have her back, reminding her that there is value in the journey, encouraging Hope.
As I was checking off viable parallels one by one, we came to the point in the films where the lads are contemplating if anyone will ever tell their story – the “Magnificent Tale of Frodo’s Journey” – and Frodo dubs Sam “Samwise The Brave”… declaring that Frodo would not have gotten very far without Sam.
I initially thought: “Well, that doesn’t apply. There’s no parallel there. I am not ‘David The Brave.'” But then something made me rethink that….
What if I am? The look of disbelief on Sam’s face when he is called “brave” must have matched my own as I contemplated the similarity. I don’t think of myself as Brave – I think of myself as a husband doing what needs to be done to see my devoted wife through a journey not of her choosing.
But as the movie kept playing, my thoughts were bombarded with memories of words said to me by friends of mine and friends of hers – reactions to selling our home and moving to another country where we can be in a physical environment more to her liking…. releasing much of what we owned to take only the absolute necessities with us. A complete
restructuring of our lives. There was (and is) a myriad of details that must be handled daily to keep her progressing with maximum public dignity while enduring interpersonal challenges that I’m forced to let roll off my back.
I discovered a willingness to become the epitome of “Patience” to a degree I’ve never before believed I could achieve. I still don’t consider any of that “brave”, but people have told me that they do. And I have balked as Sam does.
When Frodo makes his decision to continue the journey alone, sailing out into the river, Sam chases him – refusing to let him continue by himself. Frodo tries to explain that he can’t endanger Sam more than he already has, but Sam tearfully responds, “But I made a promise, Mr. Frodo” (now paraphrasing) “A promise to stay by your side til the end of the journey.” (A promise made to Gandalf.)
Well, I promised too — “in sickness and in health to love and care for” (again, paraphrased, but that’s the intended meaning). It’s not an obligation I’m being forced to uphold…. I meant it.
Looking at what Penn and I are doing together during this Alz Adventure in this new light doesn’t change my view on my role so much as it changes my view of what’s going on with her…. That this is a weight she did not ask for but has the responsibility of seeing through to the end.
The burden of Alz – an entity with it’s own intentions and desires – does affect her outlook, her emotional responses, and her clarity as the Ring does Frodo – all of that beyond her control. It’s a horrible, unfair situation to put any soul in. It’s a horrible, unfair disease. But she’s bravely – yes I think the “bravery” involved here is hers – facing the challenges and moving forward every day to the best of her ability.
And, my contribution is to keep her company, keep her safe, and loved and as content as possible as she moves closer and closer to the dreaded final fires at the end of this adventure.
So…. Yes. I am now living a relationship as devoted as the love between Frodo and Sam. To paraphrase Oppenheimer, “I am become ‘Sam.'” Sam in uncharted territory. Sam who knows he will likely have to literally carry Frodo into the fires at the end so the Ring can be released, but that’s the only way to get there.
It is NOT a tale for the ages – it is a tale that is sadly more and more common in our current world. But isn’t the two-way Love and Devotion involved a beautiful aspect of the Human Experience?
Aren’t we fortunate to be able to have that experience? Shouldn’t a true Love Story be based on a truly deep, committed friendship? Our ordinary lives ARE epic tales… we just usually can’t see it at the time.
