by Zhander P’ng
The journey to this day began on December 14, 2024, when Abraham and I decided to watch a movie together. That seemingly ordinary decision led to a transformative moment after watching Queer featuring Daniel Craig: I signed up for Ayahuasca. From that day forward, I prepared myself mentally, physically, and emotionally—avoiding substances, abstaining from alcohol and sex, and setting my intentions. January 3rd marked the culmination of this preparation and the beginning of a new chapter.
On the day of the ceremony, I had lunch with Reiner and Dimitri after Puerto Magico to wrap up all I needed to do. Despite a minor falling out with Joel earlier that morning about some business matters, I handled the situation with calmness—a powerful reminder of how vital staying composed is to my growth. This calmness became a recurring theme throughout the day, a lesson I want to carry forward as part of my personal “power list.”
Sophia’s house felt like the perfect starting point. I was aligned, prepared, and excited, though slightly impatient after the 1.5 hours drive and waiting periods when I arrived (from 9 pm-12 am) However, I realized that even the journey to the ranch and our deep conversations together on the way had already started the pre-healing process. The alignment, openness, and vulnerability we shared set the stage for what was to come.
The Ayahuasca Ceremony
The ranch was serene, yet the ceremonial setting was overwhelming. After a cleansing herbal medicine bath and introductions interview with each shaman, we sat in a circle of around 30 people—20 participants and 10 shamans. Sharing our intentions was a lengthy process, and my impatience crept back in. The ego whispered, “You paid for this; you deserve your experience now.” I fought to stay present, but it was a struggle.
I took my first dose of Ayahuasca around midnight. Then, the second. Hours passed, and while others visibly reacted, I felt… nothing. Frustration bubbled up. Was something wrong with me? Why wasn’t I experiencing the visions or physical reactions I had anticipated? As the night grew darker, I felt the weight of my expectations crushing my ability to just be.
Finally, after Sophie gently woke me, I took a third dose. By now, my impatience and frustration had transformed into quiet humility. I surrendered to the experience, realizing that perhaps Ayahuasca was teaching me in ways I didn’t initially recognize.
The Breakthrough
As sunrise approached, everything fell into place. Tears burst forth—cleansing, healing tears. They weren’t tears of sadness but of release, of finally letting go of something I had been holding onto for so long. I realized that all the preparation and inner work I had done before Ayahuasca had only scratched the surface. The medicine was taking me deeper than I had ever gone—into the core of my being, into spaces I didn’t even know needed healing.
The tears felt like a power wash for my soul, reaching the parts of me that I couldn’t access on my own. I hid under my blanket and sobbed quietly; it was a different kind of sobbing— not because I am in pain kind of sob, it was due to an overwhelming sense of peace and clarity that was emerging. Ayahuasca wasn’t about explosive visions or dramatic moments. It was about subtle, profound shifts in my mind and heart. It showed me that transformation happens when I believe in it, trust it, and allow it to unfold.
The dance that followed was pivotal. I observed the raw humanity around me—the discomfort, the purging, the awkwardness. Ayahuasca was showing me truth, not through visions, but through the reality of the present moment. It forced me to confront my discomfort—physical, emotional, and spiritual—and to remember the conversation I’d had earlier about power.
The Homework Ayahuasca Taught Me
1. Calmness is Power
Calmness is a superpower. During the ceremony, I had to wait over four hours as everyone completed their intake process. In those moments, I learned that calmness is a choice rooted in respect—for myself, for the process, and for others.
The calmness I achieved came from committing to the process and reminding myself that I have the power to choose how I show up. I told my mind to quiet itself and focused on the present moment. One step at a time, one second to the next, I stayed grounded. This practice of staying in the present moment, even when things felt long or uncertain, is homework I must continue to practice.
2. Let Go of Judgment
I saw how quickly I judge others and how limiting it is. The cranky 80-year-old woman transformed into a joyous, funny companion. How often do I allow my judgments to block connection and understanding? My homework is to replace judgment with curiosity and love, creating space for people to surprise me.
3. Overcome Fear
Fear emerged as the root of my frustration and impatience. What am I afraid of? Failure? Rejection? Uncertainty? Ayahuasca illuminated the need to explore the origins of my fears, to sit with them, and ultimately release them. Without fear, there is freedom to embrace life as it unfolds.
4. Commit to the Process
Growth comes from perseverance and respect for the process, even when it’s uncomfortable or unclear. I learned to commit to my journey, to stay present, and to honor the work I’m doing—even when it feels hard.
5. Authenticity Over Manipulation
I realized how much I manipulate—how I try to control how others see me. I don’t need to be perfect or know it all. My homework is to stop manipulating and let my true self be seen. This authenticity will lead to genuine relationships and deeper self-love.
6. Changing the Narrative
The stories I tell myself shape my reality. I’ve often been my harshest critic, replaying the voices of my past. Ayahuasca showed me the importance of using impeccable words—especially when describing myself. I can rewrite my narrative with kindness, compassion, and encouragement.
7. Embrace Joy and Playfulness
Sophia reminded me to embrace playfulness. She said, “Even if you go to the beach, bury yourself in the sand!” Her words triggered something in me. I realized that in my last relationship with Don and Wes, I often lacked playfulness. I was too stoic, striving for perfection, and missing the joy of simply being.
This stems from my tendency to manipulate situations to appear a certain way, but now I see the problem. Moving forward, I can embrace discomfort, communicate better, and bring playfulness back into my life. This is homework I am excited to work on, knowing I can do better in the future.
8. Trust the Universe
I don’t need to control every outcome. I can plan, prepare, and then trust that the universe will take care of the rest. This trust allows me to let go of worry and embrace life’s unfolding.
Reflections on Intentions
I entered Ayahuasca with six intentions:
1. Release the pain and trauma of my past.
2. Heal the wounds that hold me back.
3. Seek clarity about my life purpose and direction.
4. Understand and change the patterns that no longer serve me.
5. Connect more deeply with my true self.
6. Explore my relationship with love and connection.
At the end of the ceremony, I realized every one of these intentions was met. It wasn’t in the explosive, dramatic way I had imagined, but it was magical in its realness. The lessons came in ways I needed most, and I am profoundly grateful for how Ayahuasca addressed each of these goals.
My Final Reflections
This Ayahuasca experience wasn’t what I expected—it was better. It stripped me bare, humbled me, and challenged me to grow. It taught me to stay calm, to let go of judgment, to overcome fear, and to trust the universe. It reminded me to embrace joy, authenticity, and the beauty of life’s unfolding.
I am so grateful for this experience, for the lessons, for the people who supported me, and for the universe guiding me toward this path. I trust that I will continue to grow, heal, and embrace the life I am meant to live.
For all of this, I am deeply, profoundly grateful.
Love,
Myself
