Sexual intercourse, either engaging in or lack thereof. (Migraines will teach you moderation, whether you like it or not!)
This is potentially a more complex trigger to deal with since it involves another human being’s health needs as well.
What further complicates the matter – as is the case with some other migraine triggers – is that a satisfying sexual act can result in welcome migraine pain relief for some or the exact opposite: an excruciating worsening of migraine pain for others. The migraine sufferer will quickly find out which category they belong to.
If having sex with your partner relieves migraine pain, then obviously, sexual intercourse is not a trigger but a welcome therapy, and your partner will get extra credit for providing you with significant pain relief. So, this column may not apply to you, except perhaps for furthering your education regarding others’ experiences.
Good communication – an honest, open, respectful, patient, and diplomatic exchange is key. What are your needs and expectations for intimacy? What are those of your partner? Where does timing enter into the mix – your libido is or is not in sync with that of your partner? Since your migraines show up at the most inconvenient times, why should that not include times when your partner is in the mood and your migraines won’t let you join in the fun?
You need to navigate complex emotional and physical needs of your own and of your partner. In my case, with an intellect and emotional makeup seriously disadvantaged by debilitating migraines when I was a young adult, I got involved with a very unsupportive partner. His expressed irritation if I would excuse myself to go and lie down, in the hope that the blasted headache would go away, actually made the migraines far worse.
This is where a licensed professional sex therapist could be of help. What does the therapist know that you have yet to discover? These therapists are not new at this – they’ve heard it all before; there is nothing new under the sun, this isn’t the first time in the history of humanity that this has happened, you’re not the only couple in that boat, and you have more company than you realize.
There is a saying in French: “Là où il y a de la gêne, il n’y a pas de plaisir.” (Tr. Where there is shyness, there is no pleasure.) So take a deep breath, make an appointment, and get some practical ideas on how to cope so that the two of you can not only find your needs for sexual intimacy met but that it strengthens your relationship during the time you are taking every other action to find significant pain relief for your migraines. The therapist is trained to help you express your needs, share your experiences, and meet your partnership goals.
You’re doing this not only for yourself but for your partner’s benefit, as well. What can you learn that will result in satisfactory relations and enhance your relationship? What strategies does the therapist have in their bag of professional tricks? What techniques are out there? What practices have been shared that you can emulate? What other therapies can be explored that you can integrate into your life?
You don’t know what you don’t know. Get curious, take action, get educated, and improve your life – and your partner’s.
